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xforeverxmetalx

W:O:A Metalgod
Dec 29, 2007
97,363
7
123
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
 

xforeverxmetalx

W:O:A Metalgod
Dec 29, 2007
97,363
7
123
A little boy was waiting for his Mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is? The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!".
 

xforeverxmetalx

W:O:A Metalgod
Dec 29, 2007
97,363
7
123
A man seeking to join a Montana Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.

The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude
suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a
rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
 

xforeverxmetalx

W:O:A Metalgod
Dec 29, 2007
97,363
7
123
A man goes to an ophthalmologist for the first time, and the receptionist asks him why he is there.

"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes," the man says.

"Have you ever seen a doctor?" the receptionist asks.

"No," says the man impatiently. "Just spots."
 

xforeverxmetalx

W:O:A Metalgod
Dec 29, 2007
97,363
7
123
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Thirty-four," she replied.
 

808Metal

W:O:A Metalmaster
Nov 30, 2007
46,286
0
81
Oahu, Hawaii
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Thirty-four," she replied.

ROTL
 

xforeverxmetalx

W:O:A Metalgod
Dec 29, 2007
97,363
7
123
"Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?" asked a policeman.

"Sure buddy," said the man, rooting around his pocket.

"That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?"

The man snaps to attention and barks, "No, sir!"
 

xforeverxmetalx

W:O:A Metalgod
Dec 29, 2007
97,363
7
123
A man goes to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he says, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. You've gotta help me! I'm going crazy!!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," says the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"My fee is $250 per visit."

Six months later, the doctor crosses paths with the man. "Why didn't you come back to see me again?" he asks.

"For a visit? Heck a bartender cured me for the price of a martini."

"How do you figure?" asks the psychiatrist.

"He listened to my problem while I was having a drink. Then he told me to cut the legs off my bed."