Jokes!

[argon factor]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

 

[argon factor]

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"

 

[argon factor]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

 

[argon factor]

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon.
The first Catholic women tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him father." "

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'your grace.'"

The third Catholic lady says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called ‘Your Eminence.’"

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women prod her with a subtle, '"Well??"

So she replies, "My son is 6'2. He has broad, square shoulders. Terribly handsome. Tight muscular body. Hard buns and a very nice bulge. He is also a male dancer at a female strip club and whenever he walks into a room…women gasp,‘OH MY LORD!’"

 

[Rock'n'Roll]

Three guys work on a construction site. One is white, one is black and one is Polish. The bell rings for lunch and the white man opens his lunch bag and sighs deeply, saying, "If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow I'm jumping off the building." The black guy opens up his lunch, glares and says " If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow, I'm going with you." The Polish man opens his lunch, pulls out another ham sandwich, and says "I'm with you guys."
The next day the lunch bell rings. The white man opens his lunch. He says, "Turkey sandwich. I love my wife." The black guy opens his lunch. He says, "Chicken sandwich. I love my wife. The Polish man opened his lunchbox, looked stricken, and said " See ya guys." With that, he jumped off the building. The black guy says " I feel sorry for him. "The white man replies, "Why?" The black guy said, "Because he packs his own lunch.'

 

[Fallen_Knight]

I am not that good at jokes... are these your own?

 

[argon factor]

Originally posted by Fallen_Knight
I am not that good at jokes... are these your own?

Nope, all stolen

 

[Rock'n'Roll]

Originally posted by Fallen_Knight
I am not that good at jokes... are these your own?

I'm not an author...

 

[codo der 3.]

i know one too

goes a man around the corner - you cant see him


its very funny in german

 

[Rock'n'Roll]

I didn't get it...

Tell it in german...

 

[Wackianne]

Well, even in German I never got that one...

Geht ein Mann um die Ecke - Du kannst ihn nicht sehn...?
......

 

[Rattlesnake]

a few guys are on a sailing trip but they´ve got no wind and they´re bored.after about 2 weeks the one sailor sais:" we´ve got this empty barrel.let´s ornanate in it every time we´re bored."
so they do and after coming to a harbour a few weeks later the barrel is full.so they put it into a car and bring it to a candlemaker and sell it to him as a barrel full of wax for 100€
a year later the same happens again and they´ve got another barrel full of sperm.so they go to the candlemaker again.
he´s glad to see them:"the wax last year was the bast wax i ever had." and he gives them 200€.
a year later the sailors go for a sailingtrip again and this time they´re so bored,they fill up 2 barrels.then they go to the candlemaker again.but now he sais:"sorry guys,i don´t know,what you´re putting in your wax but last time i sold candles made of your wax there were too many nuns becoming pregnant..."
snake
Oxxx(::::::::::>

 

[Rock'n'Roll]

Originally posted by Wackianne
Well, even in German I never got that one...

Geht ein Mann um die Ecke - Du kannst ihn nicht sehn...?
......

Sounds strange, maybe I can tell it in Norwegian, don't think it will be any better though...

Det gikk en mann rundt hjørnet, du kan ikke se ham...

I have to laugh, in Norwegian it really sounded funny...

 

[argon factor]

Originally posted by Rock'n'Roll
I have to laugh, in Norwegian it really sounded funny...

For people not speaking Norwegian everything in Norwegian sounds funny