Jokes!

[konstrukt]

MORE PIRATE JOKES!

So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws the it into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?"

 

[Warthog]

It's the height of the Klondike gold rush. A man walks into a saloon in an Alaskan mining town. He goes up to the bar, announces to the bartender, "I'm new in these parts, I've come lookin' for gold, and I want a drink!"

The bartender replies, "Not so fast! We don't like strangers just barging into our town like they own the place! So there's a few things to do before you're welcome here.

"First, see this bottle of whiskey here? I want to see you drink the whole thing."

"No problem!" says the prospector, as he proceeds to drink it all...glass by glass.

"Next," says the bartender, "you have to find a bear, and wrestle it until it gives up. And last, you have to make love to an Eskimo woman."

"That's easy!" yells the man as he runs out of the bar.

A few hours later, the man returns to the bar, his clothes torn, his face gashed, his body beaten and bloody. And he screams drunkenly at the bartender, "Now where's that Eskimo woman I gotta wrestle?!?"

 

[Carpathian_Wolf]

Russian Druglord Joke!

There was these two russian druglords who got sentenced for drug trafficking and the judge said before i pass sentence i will give you a chance to prove yourselves.

They asked how it this and the judge said you have to get 100 people off drugs in the next month so they agreed.

So the next day they are walking around the streets and they see this guy doing and tell him to stop doing this and he asks why and one of the russians says to him well if you do drugs your brain will be very very small but if you dont you will have a very big brain and be more intelligient and he says cool ill stop doing this now!.

The month passes and the judge asked the druglords how many people did you get off drugs and they replied 200. The judge goes wowwww!!!!! how did you do this?

The russian says we told the people that if they didnt do drugs they would have a small arsehole but if they did do drugs they would have a very big big arsehole!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Warthog]

Three old prostitutes were having drinks at a bar, reminiscing over their long and illustrious careers. After a few drinks, the three started to argue about who was the loosest, most prolific whore.

"Look at this!", said the first whore, as she reached over, grabbed a rocks glass, put it under her dress, and firmly wedged it up inside of her pussy.

"Pfft, that's nothing," said the second, who took a liter vodka bottle and did just the same.

The third one just started laughing. "You think that's impressive for an old whore?" she scoffed. "Watch and learn, girls!" And the old woman casually took another sip of her drink, and proceded to slide down on her barstool.

 

[konstrukt]

There was once a happy young rabbit in the field. One day, while dancing along a trail, he saw a squirrel taking hits from a bong. He said to the squirrel, "Mr. Squirrel! Stop smoking your pot! The day is beautiful! Come dance with me down the trail!"

The squirrel abandoned his bong, and joined the rabbit dancing wildly down the trail, until they came across a snake snorting some cocaine.

The rabbit said, "Mr. Snake! Stop snorting your cocaine! The day is beautiful! Come dance with me down the trail!"

The snake then slithered off with the rabbit and the squirrel, and as they danced down the trail, they came across a bobcat about to take some magic mushrooms.

The rabbit said, "Mr. Bobcat! Let the mushrooms grow in the field, and join us in the dance!"

The bobcat let the shrooms grow and danced off with the rabbit and other creatures, until they came across a lion who was smoking Crystal Meth.

The rabbit said, "Mr. Lion! Leave behind your Meth and dance with us!"

The lion, with one fell swoop, smote the rabbit and sent him flying into a nearby puddle of mud.

"I hate it when that !@#$%^ rabbit does E!"

 

[Rock'n'Roll]

Originally posted by argon factor
Whats another name for a push-up bra?
False advertisement.

Or Shizzokrause

 

[Zombi]

Here are some sick jokes for you all.

A guy and a girl are having sex.
the girls says "ow...it hurts", so the guy puts some lubricant on..

a few minutes later the girls goes "ow...it still hurts" so the guy sighs and put more lubricant on..

a few minutes later the girl says "ow..the pain is excrutiating..."
and the guy says "Excruitiating? That's a pretty long word for a 7 year old..."



What's worse than 10 dead babies in a trash can?
1 dead baby in 10 ten trash cans...

What's worse than a pile of dead babies?
A pile of dead babies with one alive in the middle having to eat it's way out.


Take offence at the creators, not me, if you do..

 

[Rock'n'Roll]

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

 

[Rock'n'Roll]

She can't find the eleven.

 

[Warthog]

Jesus walked into a hotel, dropped four nails on the counter and said to the owner, "Can you put me up for the night?"

 

[argon factor]

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."

 

[argon factor]

Babe Watch

This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor of his apartment when he spots this gorgeous babe sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he's ever seen. He watches her for 3 days straight, and can't stand it any longer. He sends down a note on a piece of string: ''If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull slowly 20 times and then faster another 10."

 

[argon factor]

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

 

[argon factor]

What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
BINGO!

 

[argon factor]

Banana Love Cake

Ingredients: 2 whole nuts, 1 large banana, 2 strong arms, 2 well shaped legs, 1 fur lined mixing bowl, 4 loving eyes.
Mixing instructions: Look into eyes, part legs. Gently squeeze milk jugs. Continue until bowl is well greased. Add banana, top with nuts. Move in and out until cake is well creamed. Sigh with relief, let cool. Do not lick the bowl. If cake starts to rise, get out of town FAST!