Eine Kaufanleitung für Vinyl aus dem Corroseum
So we've all had this problem; you've spent 6 hours digging through 3,000 used vinyl records, having only found ten thousand Christmas albums, some Ray Stenes albums, and a box set of Pat Boone's greatest hits, when you finally spot something that MIGHT be a new metal gem.... but you're not sure. What to do? Do you spend some of your hard-earned cash and risk it turning out to be a Bay city Rollers clone? or do you pass it up only to find out later that it was a tour de force of head banging fury? Well, I'm here to help you out! I've spent 30 years digging through old reocrds, so I've learned a trick or two that should prove handy. When encountering an unknown album/single/tape/whatever, REAL metal heads tend to run through a checklist to decide whether or not the album is gonna be metal enough to buy.
IS IT WORTHY?
Step 1- Band picture. If more than one male member has a perm, put it down. If exactly one guy has a perm, proceed with caution. If no guys have perms, proceed to step 2. If it's an all-female band, skip straight to step 2.
Step 2-Cover art: does it feature a motorcycle, demon, medieval weapon, upside-down cross, skull or other human remains, and/or a sexy-looking female? If so, proceed to step 3. If it depicts a unicorn, dolphin, baby stroller, kitty cat, toy guns, hot air balloon, or a basketball, put it down.
Step 3-Band Name: is it metal sounding? is the logo hard to read? Is there at least one upside-down cross worked into the logo? Is more than one word deliberately misspelled? If so, proceed to step 4.
Step 4-Song titles: do some of the following words appear in some combination: wings, sword, killer, axe, blood, scream, metal, militia, death, nuclear, die, leather, kangaroo (not really; just seeing if you're really paying attention), hell, fire, shoot, lights, kill, rock, surrender, night. If so, proceed to step 5. If more than one title contains the words baby, sugar, honey, girl, wishing, missing, party, wombat, xylophone, carp, desperate, love, or star, either put it down or proceed with caution.
Step 5-Year of release: the closer to 1984, the better. If it is within +/- 5 years of 1984, proceed to step 6. If from 1978 or earlier, you can proceed with caution, but go back to step 1 and count the number of bell-bottoms you see; any number other than zero is unacceptable. If from after 1989, put it down immediately or lose all your hardcore true kvlt metal status forever.
Step 6- Country of origin: is the band from the US, UK, Canada, or Germany? If so, buy it; you're quest is done. If not but they're from Spain, Sweden, Holland, Denmark, somewhere in South America, Belgium, Italy, Australia, or France, proceed to step 7, but first go back to step 1 and count the number of guys wearing stripey spandex pants. Any number greater than one is unacceptable. If they're from Angora, any island in the Pacific, Guatemala, the People's Republic of the Congo, or something that used to be part of the Soviet Union, proceed at your own risk.
Step 7- Skip steps 1-6 and just listen to it on Youtube and decide for yourself if you like it rather than worrying about how 'metal' the bloody thing looks!
And that's how you decide what to buy!