50,000 before W:O:A 2009!

[xforeverxmetalx]

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

 

[xforeverxmetalx]

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

 

[xforeverxmetalx]

Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go, "Hey, have you seen Fred?" And they'll say, "Fred who?" And you say, "Fred of snakes?" Then cover your ears, because big laughs are coming.

 

[xforeverxmetalx]

Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you.

 

[xforeverxmetalx]

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

 

[xforeverxmetalx]

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians after all, but dirty clothes hampers.

 

[xforeverxmetalx]

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

 

[xforeverxmetalx]

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.

 

[xforeverxmetalx]

Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.

 

[xforeverxmetalx]

Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form "spokes." Happiness is when he stops.

 

[xforeverxmetalx]

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven... with a gun."

 

[xforeverxmetalx]

Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp, and when you come out, you're all covered with leeches... just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)

 

[xforeverxmetalx]

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.

 

[xforeverxmetalx]

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

 

[xforeverxmetalx]

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.