Hit 5,000 before WOA 2003?

[Aegir]

THE OLD MAN IN THE CORNER STARTS SHOUTING IN GERMAN. HE HAS A NAZI TAPESTRY ON
HIS LAP.

FATHER FITZPATRICK: What are you doing here? I told you no sleeping here. This is an old
friend of mine Ted.

THE OLD NAZI STARTS SINGING, "DEUTCHLAND, DEUTCHLAND".

THE SCENE ENDS AND WE ARE BROUGHT BACK TO TED'S PAROCHIAL HOUSE, WHERE TED IS
WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY. HE LOOKS AT THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AND THEN AT
HIS WATCH. HE FIXES THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK TO THE RIGHT TIME - THREE O' CLOCK.
FATHER JACK'S VOICE COMES FROM THE CLOCK INSTEAD OF THE HOURLY CHIMES, "FECK,
ARSE, DRINK". TED OPENS THE CLOCK DOOR TO SEE FATHER JACK'S FACE INSIDE. HE
CLOSES THE DOOR AND PROCEEDS TO THE FRONT ROOM. DOUGAL IS SITTING ON THE SOFA
INSIDE.

 

[Aegir]

DOUGAL: Ted look at the table. It's so dirty I can write me name in it!
TED: There's a G in Dougal.
DOUGAL: Where?
TED: Right that's it, I'm fed up living in filth. We're just going to have to get this place clean Dougal.
And look at you. Look at that hole in your tank top. What if the parishoners saw that?
DOUGAL: Where? Ah God, would you look at that!

DOUGAL PROBES A SMALL HOLE IN THE TOP OF HIS TANK TOP. HE THEN STANDS UP, TURNS
AROUND AND DISPLAYS A LARGE GAPING HOLE IN THE TANK TOP COVERING HIS ENTIRE
BACK.

 

[Aegir]

TED: And this here, look. A perfectly square bit of black dirt on the window. I mean how could
you get a perfectly square bit of black dirt on a window? I would have thought that was
practically impossible.
DOUGAL: It's just Mrs. Doyle can't do any cleaning. Her back is very bad since she fell of the roof.

ONCE AGAIN, MRS.DOYLE FALLS PAST THE WINDOW SCREAMING.

DOUGAL: See, she can't keep her balance at all.
TED: That's it then I'm just going to come out and say it. We're going to have to clean this place
ourselves.
DOUGAL: What?
TED: You heard me Dougal. Are you with me?
DOUGAL: Well, yeah.
TED: (shouting) Right then let's go, lets clean this mother.
DOUGAL: YEEEEAAAAH.

 

[Aegir]

TED TAKES AN OLD DRINKS CAN FROM THE TABLE AND SLOWLY DROPS IT INTO THE BIN.

DOUGAL: Ted, what about that bit of the lamp that came off? I could pick that up!
TED: Good idea.
DOUGAL: (picking up the lampshade) WOW!
TED: I'm bored now.
DOUGAL: Yeah.
TED: Dougal look.

TED TAKES THE LAMPSHADE OFF DOUGAL, PUTS IT ON HIS HEAD AND STARTS TO
IMPERSONATE A CHINESE MAN.

 

[Aegir]

TED: I am Chinese if you ple-ease. Come on Dougal, lighten up!

TED TURNS AROUND TO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW WHERE HE SEES THREE CHINESE PEOPLE
STANDING. HE TAKES THE LAMPSHADE OFF HIS HEAD AND TURNS TO DOUGAL.

TED: (frantically) Wha.. Who.. Wha.. ?!? Dougal there were Chinese people there.
DOUGAL: Oh right yeah.
TED: I mean what is.... I mean...
DOUGAL: That's the Yin family. They're living over there in that whole Chinatown area.
TED: Chinatown area? There's a Chinatown on Craggy Island? Dougal, I wouldn't have done a
Chinaman impression if I'd known there was going to be a Chinaman there to see me do a
Chinaman impression.
DOUGAL: Why not Ted?
TED: Because. Because it's racist. They'll think I'm a racist. I'm going to have to catch up with
them and explain I'm not a racist.

 

[Iscariot]

 

[Aegir]

TED RUNS OUTSIDE TO THE CHINESE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THEIR CAR. TED STANDS BESIDE
THE CAR TO TRY AND EXPLAIN HIMSELF. THE CHINESE FAMILY BEEP THEIR HORN AND REV
THEIR ENGINE.

TED: And basically if I don't stretch my eyes like that from time to time I get this thing the doctor
calls "Fat Eyes".

THE CAR SPEEDS AWAY SPRAYING FATHER TED WITH MUD.

TED: (waving at the car) I hope you wouldn't think it'd be anything of a racial nature. Thanks for
being so understanding, see you again, bye.

TED IS NOW BACK INSIDE WITH DOUGAL AND HAS JUST COME OFF THE TELEPHONE

 

[Aegir]

Originally posted by Iscariot

Its a script of an episode of Father Ted - haven't you ever seen it? Its one of the most amazing TV shows ever

Just doing my bit to up the post count!

 

[Aegir]

TED: Right, that's that.
DOUGAL: Oh-ho. That's that all right. What's that?
TED: I ordered some new stuff for the house. Get rid of this old tat. Dougal you don't think I
upset those Chinese people earlier?
DOUGAL: I dunno Ted. It was like that time we put on that variety show and you did that
impression of Stephen Hawking.
TED: He was the last person you'd expect to turn up. That was a million to one shot. God he
can fairly move in that wheelchair when he's angry!
DOUGAL: But don't worry about it Ted. Anyway who did you phone, Habitat?
TED: No. Habithat. Like Habitat it sells soft furnishings but also priests clothes.
DOUGAL: Does it not get confused with Habitat though?
TED: No that's never happened before except just there, when you did it.
DOUGAL: Anyway, what else did you order?
TED: Priest socks. Really black ones.
DOUGAL: I read somewhere, I think it was in an article about priest socks that priest socks are
blacker than any other type of socks.
TED: That's right Dougal. Sometimes you see lay people wear what look like black socks but if
you look closely you'll see they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
DOUGAL: Actually that's true. I thought my uncle Tommy was wearing black socks but when I
looked at them closely they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, VERY, very, very, very
dark blue.
TED: Never buy black socks in a normal shop. They'll shaft you every time!

 

[Aegir]

TED GOES OUTSIDE FOR A WALK.

COLM: Hello there Father.
TED: Ah, hello Colm. (laughing) Out and about?
COLM: Ah, same as yourself.
TED: Good good.
COLM: I hear you're a racist now Father.
TED: Wha...What?
COLM: How did you get interested in that type of thing?
TED: Who said I'm a racist?
COLM: Everyone's sayin' it Father. Should we all be racist now? What's the official line the
church is takin' on this.
TED: No, no.
COLM: Only the farm takes up most of the day and at night I just like a cup of tea. I mightn't be
able to devote meself to the oul' racism.

 

[Iscariot]

Originally posted by Aegir
Its a script of an episode of Father Ted - haven't you ever seen it? Its one of the most amazing TV shows ever

Just doing my bit to up the post count!

I heard of it....

But I'm to lazy to read all this

 

[Aegir]

MRS. CARBERRY COMES IN. SHE IS AN OLD WOMAN WHO HAS JUST BEEN SHOPPING AND
HAS HANDFULLS OF BAGS.

MRS. CARBERRY: Good for you Father.
TED: What? Oh, Mrs. Carberry!
MRS. CARBERRY: Good for you Father. Well someone had the guts to stand up to them at last.
Comin' over here, takin' our jobs and our women and actin' like they own the feckin' place. Well
done Father. Good for you. Good for you. I'd like to feckin....

 

[Zombi]

damn. more cut and paste scrap

 

[Aegir]

Originally posted by Iscariot
I heard of it....

But I'm to lazy to read all this

Its a quality episode! No need to read it though, you could be spamming with something usless instead

 

[Aegir]

Originally posted by Zombi
damn. more cut and paste scrap

Objections to the spamming?