Hilfe, Weihnachten!
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TTP
W:O:A Metalmaster
Thordis V.
W:O:A Metalgod
xantia
W:O:A Metalmaster
smooth
W:O:A Metalhead
Ist lang und in Englisch - aber sehr boese...
Subject: Holidays & Political Correctness
December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree!
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
***************************************************
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting
our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa"
does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to
our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death,"
as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes.
But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
Subject: Holidays & Political Correctness
December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree!
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
***************************************************
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting
our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa"
does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to
our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death,"
as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes.
But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
*beeindrucktsei*
Ihr seid so gut zu mir. Der Laden wird aufgemischt.
*träneausdemaugewisch*
Besonderen Dank an TTP, Xanti und Smooth!
Ihr seid so gut zu mir. Der Laden wird aufgemischt.
*träneausdemaugewisch*
Besonderen Dank an TTP, Xanti und Smooth!
smooth
W:O:A Metalhead
xantia
W:O:A Metalmaster
und anschließend kannst du ihnen ja noch ein Weihnachtslied von Onkel Tom schicken.
An alle anderen ich würde mich freuen wenn ihr mir die tollen geschichten mailen würdet. thx
Metalwar
An alle anderen ich würde mich freuen wenn ihr mir die tollen geschichten mailen würdet. thx
Metalwar
smooth
W:O:A Metalhead
Ich hab noch eine... 
To: All Concerned
From: Santa Claus
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve
the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia and North and South Carolina,
Tennessee, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North
American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract
I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local
replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the
family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all
the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys protected by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC
cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke
a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can
handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of
reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time,
and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott
and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol
cars crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
Member of North American Fairies and Elves Union 1225
To: All Concerned
From: Santa Claus
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve
the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia and North and South Carolina,
Tennessee, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North
American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract
I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local
replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the
family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all
the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys protected by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC
cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke
a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can
handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of
reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time,
and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott
and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol
cars crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
Member of North American Fairies and Elves Union 1225
Mr_Coffee
W:O:A Metalhead
