How to make your own true metal-band

[Neverhead]

Hierfur werde ich glaub ich erhangt.....
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how to make your own True Metal band....
- Make sure you're German, Italian or Swedish. If you aren't, change your nationality.

- Get four other guys together, all should have long hair.

- Make sure your singer sounds exactly like a cross between Michael Kiske and Bruce Dickinson. He should sing clean and high-pitched.

- Take the guys shopping to the Halloween-costume store and pick up the most ridiculous medieval costumes you can find. A few sheepskins and a viking helmet might help too. Make sure you look as gay as is humanly possible.

- Now you are ready to start writing your debut album. Make sure you have the titles, warriors of steel', ,riding the wind', and ,dragonlord' checked on your list of titles to use.

- Other titles you might want to consider are ,fire, blood and glory', ,brave knights of fire', ,the triumph of battle' and ,the glory of my mighty steel'.

- We know these titles don't make any sense, but it's ok; you're
German/Italian/Swedish now so the excuse is that your english is just not so good.

- When writing lyrics, be sure to use the words ,steel', ,glory', ,mighty', brave', ,warrior', ,dragon', ,true' , ,metal', ,fire' and ,king'. Use these words plentifully and use them in every goddamn song.

- Try to put as much cheese on your lyrics as possible. Remember to experiment with different flavours.

- If you're stuck, good sentences to use are; ,riding high across the sky on mighty wings of vengeance towards glory', ,fighting for glory with your mighty steel of justice', and ,we're standing high, tall, proud and brave, fighting for the glory of true metal against false metal while the dragon flies high on the winds of eternity'.

- Don't worry if what you write makes no sense at all. You're "true" metal. People will understand.

- Make sure that all songs you write rely completely on a catchy chorus.

- Make sure that you only write songs in 4/4th and 3/4th. The ones in 3/4th should be medieval ballads or sing-along battle hymns.

- Make sure that the only song structure you use is simple verse/chorus. Do remember to stick a guitar solo in there after the second chorus though.

- Make sure that none of the songs is longer than 3 minutes.

- The only exception to the above couple of rules is the last song on the album, which should be a 6-7 minute song that's either a cheesy ballad called ,flying away to dreamland', or a repetitive mid-tempo tune called ,the triumph of glory'. This will be your ,epic' moment on your album.

- Done writing? That wasn't so hard, was it?

- Now get a record company, preferably Nuclear Blast.

- Now get Tommy Hansen or Sasha Paeth to produce your album, and get somebody like Kai Hansen, Roland Grapow, Timo Tolkki, Oscar Dronjak or Fabio Lione to do a guest appearance on your album. Don't exhaust these people for material though, a three-second solo or a couple of vocal lines are already more than enough. The record company will take care of the rest.

- Now it's time to talk to the press;

- Declare that your singer is influenced by Michael Kiske and Bruce
Dickinson. Do not mention anyone else.

- Say that your favorite bands and greatest influences are old Helloween and Iron Maiden.

- Be sure to mention that your favorite albums are the Keeper of the Seven Keys cds.

- Lastly, state that you are true metal and that you are here to teach all false metal bands a lesson in true metal. Death to false metal!

- Congratulations, your album just went straight into the German, Italian and Swedish charts. You are now a successful pathetic true metal band.
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*flieht*

 

[TTP]

Wo er recht hat, da hat er recht!

*sichmitdemMIGHTYSWORDOFDRAGONSTEELdemFeindentgegenstell*

 

[Aragorn]

Sach ma Bierchen, da haben wir ja echt super Chancen, die grösste TrueMetalband aller Zeiten zu werden, was??

 

[TTP]

Ja, ich bring dann schonmal fürs Foto-shooting Schwerter, Streitkolben und Äxte mit...

 

[Aragorn]

Goil und ich besorg mir stählerne Schienbeinschoner und Spitzmausartige Helme aus Titanium...

 

[willow]

HöHöHö,daß könnt Ihr in Wacken,bei der Karaoke-Show mal unter Beweis stellen!

 

[TTP]

Ich hab Warrior-Boots mit verchromten Metall-Platten vor den Schienbeinen...

 

[WildCat]

Na wenn schon über die True's abgelästert wird sollen jaauch die Blackies nicht zu kurz kommen

"The 101 Steps to be Evil"
1. Don´t be gay.
2. Be true.
3. All people who aren´t true are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don´t have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of the true Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don´t play with fuzzy things, excepting that by play you mean burn.
14. Don´t be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase Kenny G slams, man.
16. Don´t be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you´re too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes ´cult´.
22. When in doubt, say True Norwiegian Black Metal!
23. If that doesn´t work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even true blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don´t be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don´t wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don´t make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don´t make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don´t eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: r
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn´t hurt to listen to, it can´t be true.
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are session members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn´t have your cult LP won´t get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both necro and grim.)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man, in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the mainstream infecting the scene.
44. Reform with old members and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn´t be true.
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member´s side projects as session musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is non-religious, then use the word Satan over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say friggin.
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word Hail is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone true
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try Infernal Hails.
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition.
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you´re offered...then pretend that you really don´t enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord´s greasy dick at any time.
64. Use the phrase suck the dark lord´s greasy dick whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it´s the middle of the fuck day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle´s house is not pimping it (unless you tell her you´re done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
69. Why isn´t the word Northern in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you´re from, pretend you´re from Norway and therefore ´true´.
73. Don´t be Dani Filth. (I think that´s clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as Crucifier. Any pets you own in the future will also be know
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as Crucifier. Any pets you own in the future will also be known as Crucifier.
75. True black metaller: Many of our dark hyms are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!
76. Fuck, I´m talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That´s better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also clouded frost spire)
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway´s ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
3. Don´t make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don´t make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal´s Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism.
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won´t stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it´s rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-fuck shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven´t even heard.
96. Use the phrase cult-as-fuck whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word fuck during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla´s work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more cult, be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I´ll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties. 100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could´ve have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!

 

[Neverhead]

LOL

wie Wahr...
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one
inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.

 

[Thordis V.]

Aber wieso italienische Staatsbürgerschaft?! also den Punkt check ich ned ganz ab... Schweden, Deutschland, ja, das ist verständlich!

@ Wildcat: Hab ich mal als Mail bekommen, war echt gut...

 

[Neverhead]

Rhapsody sind Italiener glaub ich......

 

[TTP]

und Domine die Drachenlords auch *ggg*

 

[Internet@Metal]

Rhapsody, Vhäldemär, Domine, Labyrinth etc etc

 

[Suwarin]

Ich fand beides sehr sehr schön.....Danke Danke und nochmals Danke ...

 

[Thordis V.]

ich glaub ital. Metal war letztens eh wo ein Thema.
Aber ich bin von Italien her anders vorbelastet. In der letzten Gym habe ich mich 1 Semester lang mich mit ital. Barden beschäftigen müssen und Klausuren darüber geschrieben. Lucio Dalla, Alice, Carmen Consoli, Eros Ramazzotti, Nek, Adriano Celentano etc. in Musik und Textanalyse.
Da hatte ich immer meine Probleme... meine Professorin hat mir dann nach der Matura eine CD geschenkt, wo sie lauter solche Songs auf ne CD gebrannt hatte, auf dem cover ein Foto von mir wo stand 'non devo saperlo' ('ich darf es nicht wissen' - also nichts zu dem Thema) - sie wußte ja was für Musik ich höre und wie ich oft litt...