TAOISM: Shit happens. CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, "Shit happens". ZEN: (What is the sound of shit happening?) JESUITISM: If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it really shit? ISLAM: Shit happens if it is the will of Allah. COMMUNISM. Equal shit happens to all people. CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are bad. PSYCHOANALYSIS: Shit happens because of your toilet training. SCIENTOLOGY: Shit happens if you're on our shit list. ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens. UNITARIANISM: Maybe shit happens. Let's have coffee and donuts. RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this shit happen to someone else. JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US? REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate? MYSTICISM: What weird shit! AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit? ATHEISM: I don't believe this shit! NIHILISM: Who needs this shit? AZTEC: Cut out this shit! QUAKER: Let's not fight over this shit. FORTEANISM: No shit?? 12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the shit. VOODOO: Hey, that shit looks just like you! NEWAGE: Visualize shit not happening. DEISM: Shit just happens. EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn't happen; shit is. SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves. CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit is in your mind. BUDDHISM: Shit happens, but pay no mind. SHINTOISM: Shit is everywhere. HINDUISM: This shit has happened before. WICCA: Mix this shit together and make it happen! HASIDISM: Shit never happens the same way twice. THEOSOPHY: You don't know half of the shit that happens. DIANETICS: Your mother gave you shit before your were born. SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No shit on Saturdays. JEHOVAH's WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon. MOONIES: Only happy shit really happens. HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens. BAHA'I: It's all the same shit. STOICISM: This shit is good for me. OBJECTIVISM: Our shit is good for you. EST: If my shit bothers you, that's your fault. REAGANISM: Don't move; the shit will trickle down. FASCISM: Shit makes the trains run on time. CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the shit away. EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit. DISCORDIANISM: Some funny shit happened to me today. RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit.