TWISTED TALK Man : You remind me of the sea. Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting? Man : No, because you make me sick. Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. Husband : You tell a woman something, It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter? Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly. Peter : Mom, does God use our bathroom? Mother : No, Peter. Why? Peter : Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells, "Oh god, are you still there?" Customer : How much is that tie? Salesman : Forty dollars. Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money. Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck. Jimmy : Mom, can I have two pieces of cake? Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two. Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me? Man : By cheque, money order or cash. Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated. Lily : So what do you do? Sam : I close my eyes. Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water? Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week. Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake? Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it? Man : I'm new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank? Little boy : I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars. Man : Why should I pay you so much? Little boy : Because bank directors are always highly paid.